Dear diary, there has been so many evenst that you can't even think of! However, I'm so glad that I'm finally able to blab here since I have nowhere else to go and no one else to talk to about these stuff that is happening to me. War? hardships of being a medical student? hating myself of being older than being the rest of the class? feeling the guilt of having a crush on a younger shit? and lonliness and also depression and frustration? I can still name other reasons if you ask me to! This is all a coincindence, During the war I've reexplored the lord of the rings universe and I found rings of power series out of the blue! I watched the series and become obssesed with it. Can you believe it? there were days and nights that I wished to die and reborn in another universe. I REALLY WANTED TO DIE. I was so tired of being an I ranian and some family problems and also these reason and etc... I had a crush on Elrond. Because, he seemed like a decent imaginary man. There was nothing wrong with Elrond, but childlish obsession. Until, one night I wished I had someone as kind and wise as Elrond.
I found someone soooo randomly in a blog who had also watched lotr and posted about the rings of power. I started the sentence with "OH this is my newest obsession..." And the story started... we talked about the franchise at first. I said some spoilers and some other details about the story, they appreciated and kindly replied to every comment I sent them. I like the person's character, they were kind and supportive. Read and replied to every shit I wrote. I felt like after all these years, I'm wanted. I'm liked, like there was agap in my heart which was bothering me and it was filled by this person. The conversations continued, I realized that we so many things in common. We understand eachother! Like shared languages! Our taste in movies, songs, news etc... I was shocked as if I found a twin. The girl is called Jessi, they have this girl's photo as their profile. It made me watch the movie (civil war 2024) to see what's so special about her ! I guess she is their type, and after watching the movie I realized that I'm kinda like this girl. From my relentlessness and loving simple not having make up and short brown hair... oh god! I even bought a white shirt to complete the set. We talk everyday in English, the langue we both love. On a random day I realized that they're a guy a bit older than me. It was enough to make me as happy as child. I sang to them. We tallk about the random stuff and still we see other things in common. They're so kind and soooooo wise, I've never met such a person. They probably live far from me. I feel like that the more we talk the more we become attached to each other. I'm so scared, my parents know nothing and if they find out they'll stop me. I don't know if it's a mistake and if we continue this and one day due to some reason it stops I'll definately be heart broken. Like (currently which is about 2 and a half months) I have never seen any bad thing about this person. I trust them and I'm not thinking about death anymore, because even for one percent we end up together and he is the exact way he has been till now, I'll be the happiest person ever. I'm so glad I've found them and if we stop this, I still remind these days as the happiest days of my life. Like having found a missing piece. I'm so naive, I wish to sing more for them, I wish to see them in real life and cry cry cry... because I'm so naive. I'm hungry for attention and support. I'm hungry to be wanted, to be cared for, to be heard, to be given compliments about my singing. I'm so hungry for having fun with them, imaginary scenarios in my head are killing me. It could be both a curse like... I find out that he lied that he's a good person or it can be a blessing, like... god has for once listened to my heart and sent me the Elrond I craved and cried for. "You took me out of my grave and saved my heart from the fate of Ophelia..." isn't this relevant? My English has also improved since I started talking to them, they're an English teacher. I wish I was as beautiful as Jessi is ! I felt worry and concern when I've heard they went to the capital. I'm gonna curse myself or not... we'll see.